Does This Church Make Me Look Fat?

Even if every stalk on earth was a quill, there is no book that could possibly contain all the thoughts that went through my mind when I came across this book.

On a more serious note, I did pause and consider all the things that “church” has given me. If you stop for a moment and get off yourself, you might be surprised what church has given you. In the “OLD DAYS” church wasn’t just about pie in the sky spirituality….no sireee brothers and sisters.  Allow me to share 5 things that church gave me:

1.When I was young, church first taught me to “hold things.” There had better be yellow tears oozing out of your eyes if you had any chance of using the bathroom. To this day, I can chug coffee and speed past rest stops on the interstate for hours without even flinching.

2.Church also taught me, there is a time to sit really, really still and say nothing. My brother Shannon and I learned at an early age that my dad’s hand was pretty much a human vice-grip. He could reach over and clamp you on the leg just above knee…and the heads would stop bobbing.

3.I learned at a young age that it is possible to go from the shower to the church pew in one lightening quick fluid motion. I can still see my farmer friends sliding into the pew in front of me at break neck speed. Their hair would be slicked down and you could still see a big drop of water hanging from the bottom of each ear lobe...but they were on time by gum...our hair spray didn't make us late for church in those days!

4.Strange Sunday school classes were my nemesis for a number of years. My family visited other churches quite a bit when I was young...OH how I dreaded going to Sunday School. This is absolutely no joke...I would sometimes start crying Saturday night. Those motherly preschool teachers didn't help the situation. When I would start crying in Sunday school, they would come over and get all touchy and huggy...THATS WHAT I REALLY HATED! I eventually learned that God's people loved me and wouldn't hurt me...you know churches are some of the safest places.

5.Do you know who the cool people were in my church? In my mind those song leaders were real studs...always wanted to be one (a song leader that is). Church taught me to love singing...

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Why I Love Celebrities

At the core of Christ's example, is loving the unlovely. Do you want to know why I love celebrities? Its because they are unlovely.

The first thing I do most mornings when I get to school is to check my email to see if there are any important bits of information that I need in order to live my day the way it ought to be lived. Unfortunately I have to open my homepage before I check my email, sooo....

More often than not, I'm greeted with these kinds of headlines. Jenifer Lopez (in her 40's) dates young co-star (low 20's)...Brad Pitt wants a tattoo on his left ham-hock...Lady Gaga wears an outfit made out of meat...Check out which celebrities are getting a divorce for the 6th time...Labron James has a black-n-blue mark on his knee (boo-hoo)....Britney Spears is getting fat so she decides to pierce her belly button...this dingleberry is doing this, and that dingleberry is doing that! *

Every morning when I see these headlines over my cup of coffee....I'm encouraged and inspired anew to keep making a difference...to go out and be RETARDED for Jesus!(read sarcasm)

Look...if some 40 year old wants to date a 20 year old or tattoo his hind-end, I sure as Sam Hill (trying not to swear here) don't want to hear about it... AND...for God's sake don't put that childishness out there where the young people that I love and care about can see it. Its like force feeding your toddler pasted lima-beans drizzled in battery acid.

Don't get me wrong...I have no ill will toward these people or the media (in fact I love them) and they're not all like that, but the percentages sure aren't good. Thank the good Lord for the few celebrities that have matured into adults and know how to carry themselves and their money humbly...intending to make the world a better place.

When I see herds of mindless people screaming for autographs, I'm not sure who to feel bad for. I feel really bad for the celebrities, who's lives aren't even remotely what people crack them up to be (it has to be really disappointing to wake up some morning and discover this...its probably why there is so much drug abuse among the celebrity population). I also feel bad for the mindless herd that has nothing better to live for than a tacky old autograph.

Jesus wasn't joking when He said it is more blessed to give than to receive. The problem is that every morning the headlines tell me that its more blessed to be selfish, get lots of attention, get a lot of money, find a better partner, and ultimately receive more. The thing that gets my goat is how tempted I am to believe those headlines. You know...if nobody read that crap...they would quit putting it out there.

I DO love celebrities...I love them because they really do have pretty crappy lives and are pretty needy people. Its just so hard to love the unlovely...

Tip of the week: Before you open your homepage every morning, Read Acts 20:35 to remind yourself of what is really true.

* none of these examples are fact
** I've discovered all homepages are not created equal.